Tanner Gilliland isn’t just Facebook’s twinkiest shaman — he’s also a fallible human being who’s gone on more accidental gay dates than anyone I can even imagine existing. To commemorate his day of birth, here’s a list of things this 5″7 blue collar worker doesn’t want you to know about him. Share this article if you agree that cyberbullying is OK in certain circumstances!
1. Tanner Gilliland once left his number on a napkin for a girl who worked at Noodles and Company. She never contacted him.
Haters will say it’s because she couldn’t handle his views on collective consciousness, but we all know the real reason the no-doubt-very-fertile girl wasn’t into Tanner was his general wiry-ness and the Mormon hair situation he had going on at the time.
2. Tanner Gilliland doesn’t get his burritos smothered at Costa Vida.
He also doesn’t like spice, soda, candy, flavor in general, or the term “atheist”, because he has ascended above such things, and all of us.
3. Tanner Gilliland didn’t buy sheets for his bed until he was 25.
He had to be persuaded by a close, amazing female friend of his to invest in some bedding — she feared he would never seduce a woman without it.
4. Tanner Gilliland has glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling.
And it is NOT for the reason you think.
5. Tanner Gilliland loves to mansplain.
Some things Tanner is particularly fond of mansplaining include: Michael Jackson, his 1950s America clothing choices, the divine femininity, and cats.
6. Tanner Gilliland thinks puns are an acceptable substitute for a sense of humor.
Many people are saying that legendary comedy duo “Sam and Tan” would “be huge by now if it weren’t for all of Tanner’s puns.” Many other people declined to comment because they don’t give a shit.
7. Tanner Gilliland IS Meyers Briggs.
Yep, both of them.
8. Tanner Gilliland would rather be friends with someone who totals his car than collect the reimbursement he’s owed.
Why tell the police it wasn’t your fault when there’s a bad driver you could be helping reach enlightenment?!
9. Tanner Gilliland is unable to cut an avocado and get stitches without turning it into a mass Facebook event.
In his defense, it was thanks to Facebook that he was even able to get stitches, because his health insurance policy is literally, “Facebook”. Interestingly, the IRS considers this a legitimate plan because of Tanner’s strong Facebook presence, and he’s never had to pay a fine for not having a real policy.
10. Tanner Gilliland never leaves home without his Turkish purse.
If you have any good information on Tanner Gilliland that he doesn’t want people to know about, share it with the rest of us in the comments!