Tim Cook Courageously Gives Middle Finger to Slow Marathon Runners

Tim Cook surprised the world with a stunning act of bravery at the Apple Event today – offering a bold “F*ck you” to runners unable to finish a marathon in under five hours.

“Apple is not a company that panders to fat people,” explained Cook, as he demonstrated the iPhone 7’s Air Pods earlier. “I think that is clear from our name. We are in the business of innovation, and there’s nothing less innovative than a six-hour finish at the London marathon. Who are you – Paula Radcliffe with mono? Perk up, chubby babies. You’re embarrassing yourselves.”

Cook’s words, though overly defensive in the minds of some, were applauded by the world of fitness, with Jillian Michaels declaring that, “Air Pods give you the Last Chance Workout™ your body is screaming for. Just not a super long one like we do in The Biggest Loser. Hey Dave – Da – yeah, can you charge these Pods for me? Thanks. And pass me those Walkman headphones and the adapter so I can finish this treadmill shitstorm.”

Athleticism seems to be a strong focal point for Apple right now, in light of Nike’s new partnership with the Apple Watch. “It feels like the time Taylor Swift and Blake Lively went to the zoo together and played with koalas for the world to see,” said Normal Human Laura Huntsman, who has never dropped acid but has cracked four different iPhone screens. “Hey, have you seen my other Pod?”

When asked whether he thought losing one or both Air Pods would become a regular problem for iPhone 7 users, Cook replied, “Not the skinny ones.”

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